Disclaimer : It is a long post. Very Long. Some where it will feel I am talking to myself, kindly ignore.
In our times, the most inaccurate and overused word is a "mutual breakup". I am an expert at this because I've had multiple mutual breakups, we are friends now because I initiated those.
Save it sweethearts, there is nothing like one. There is nothing mutual about a breakup. You can go through the dusty, never touched archives in the history of relationships and see for yourself; never have two people realise spontaneously that they want to call it off and expressed it at the exact same moment.
Never. It's always one person suggests it and then the other one, seldom with a smile, often with a simple shrug, other times with a lot of drama and more often with a lot of waterworks, accepts the suggestion. Some don't, well then you can't even call it a breakup, can you?
There are times of course; when one person suggests breaking up, the other suggests sticking on and the same process goes on for a few years till it ends in a breakup, murder or infidelity. Or if you are married, divorce.
But whatever the relationship is; despite the period of gestation, canoodling or unarmed fights, one of the two gets more hurt in the process. They may not express it, nor acknowledge it and everybody involved can carry on pretending happily how peaceful the breakup has been. It never is. The person who is more hurt also happens to be vulnerable, the person who is less hurt shows off a precarious display of emotions that how well they have moved on.
Which is all fair and all natural and et cetera.
But what is worse is that any one person in the relationship becomes the goody-two shoes. What comes across is 'you will always be special to me', phone calls, e-mails and the works. I am saying this, because I have done this. If you've done this, you know this, don't you? You are not doing this for the other person. You are more likely doing this to feel relieved (a little bit) of guilt you are carrying around or you want to show off the care that you never did all along or get an ego boost by talking to someone whose still hung up over you.
Which makes you nothing more than an emotional parasite. Period. I know I am one.
So people who have walked out of a relationship or having been run-over for one reason or the other, save that sympathy for beggars and people who hate cupcakes. Delete your ex's number from your phone (I know you remember each digit of it, still! Do this), their e-mails from your inbox and their faces from your social networks. And for heaven's sake don't stalk them, however good the times were.
No "I still care for you". No "I hope you are doing okay". No "Let me just once check what is the one up to". and definitely Not "Please take care of yourself".
If you are the one who walked away or have been walked over, sorry to say it loud! The other one is not three. They'll do it anyway. And with no more mixed signals from any side, it will probably speed up the process of evolving from a poop-ey splash of roadkill to the regular although by now dysfunctional human being you were before.
Or so we can hope.
And just to clear things out, when you put a lot of yourself into the relationship, which is nowhere bad in any books, you are nicer than the one who didn't. No matter how long the shelf life is- when you have invested a lot in it, getting to know someone, sharing, getting someone to know you. I'd hate to do all that, all over again, you think. So much to tell, to show, to remember. Too much to bother with again.
It is all bullshit. And it is all in the mind, not just yours; the other one's too.
Because no matter how jaded you are and trust me when I say this, you don't lose your capacity to love and to want be loved. As long as that exists, you can pull down any effort. Miraculously. Merely a matter of course that comes naturally.
Sadiq and Sam may not agree to most of my statements. That doesn't offend me. To my kitty, I am a highly opinionated relationship expert except in the ones I was involved in and played a pivotal role.
This is a very insightful post. If you are talking to yourself then I am the eavesdropper into some very serious conversation :)! I agree with you about this a break up never being something mutual. It is always initiated by one and suffered by the other- it is like this word called "open marriage"- which essentially means a relationship where it is ok to play around with someone else- so then why have a commitment? Guilt and martyrdom are the two feelings around break ups mutual or otherwise!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI'd think the more inaccurate and overused word would be "Relationships".
I am not sure as to what the word means today.
On mutual break-ups, I guess your right.
The reason why I am writing this comment to your post follows as such.
1. I deleted my ex's number from my phone.
2. I blocked my ex's on a social netowrking sites.
3. I deleted the mails.
4. I burnt all her pictures and sweet cards she made for me.
5. Gave back all her gifts.
6. Didn't speak with her for many months. (Until by birthday came and the obligatory phone call arrived)
I'm okay with deleting her number, her presence on social netowrking sites, giving back the presents, speaking too her once a year or so.
What I'm not okay with is, or what I regret sincerely would be burning her pictures and cards, and deleting her emails from my account.
Luckily, we had a common email account where she would forward our exchanges.
The burnt pictures and cards didn't matter when I destroyed them. I realized their significance couple of years ago when I read our email exchanges on our common email account. I couldn't help but smile and cry at the same time.
These were when we were in high school and probably first two years of college. The feeling that at some time in your life, somebody loved you and cared about you. And surprise surprise you too realize that at sometime in your life you cared and loved somebody. Perhaps, this is more a reflection on myself because I haven't mustered the courage to be emotional dependent again or to say be in an relationship. But, I'd like to think that many many years from now it will always make me happy realizing how stupid and foolish I was as a kid.
Also sad, that I burnt the sweetest and nicest cards ever made.
Now, by reading the mails I have no sudden desire to speak with her. I do remember the reasons as to why we didn't work.
It's hard to forget that.
But, forgiveness I think I can do that. (If the question is "Do forgiveness and forgetting go hand in hand" my answer is they don't. I realise many people think otherwise. I know I am capable to forgive someone for their actions, if they feel sorry enough. But, their action however voluntary or involuntary leaves a scar in my mind, which leads to a deficit in trust.)
Anyway, we don't speak now. I guess, it would be nice to hear from her in four months time. We just do birthday to birthday exchanges now.
I'd suppose as we get older, we might stop doing that as well.
If so I'd like to believe that we would still care about each other. I know some part of me always will.
Kavi yeh kehna chahte hai kripya apne mails aur personal exchanges nahi mitaye. Kya pata kal jakar woh kuch samay ke liye aapko thodi se hasi de de? Aakhir kal kisne dekha hai.